Category Archives: Elections

I Had a Dream

I was in a voting booth, and I was looking at the two choices for President of the United States: their names were Stalin and Hitler. There was another guy too, but people said he wasn’t approved by the Authorities and his ideas were old fashioned, so he couldn’t possibly win and I should forget about him and choose either Stalin or Hitler to keep whichever one I thought was worse from getting in.

There were other things on the ballot … a Senator, a Congressman, stuff like that … but they were trivial because in reality there was no Congress. Congress had ceded nearly all its powers to the President years before to allow the members to focus their attention on getting re-elected: passing resolutions congratulating constituents for anything they did that was more noteworthy than getting out of bed. And fund-raising …  that was crucial because  the pay and benefits are good, and, you know, the longer you stay in the better the retirement is, so sucking up to the big money is a given with the job. The courts still existed, but they couldn’t decide anything because Congress wouldn’t approve any judges, so that left el presidente as the only completely functional branch of government.

Stalin and Hitler were loudmouths, and they both knew how to deploy the same techniques fundamentalist preachers use for stirring up their crowds. I’d watched some youtube clips, and both dudes seemed real intense. Stalin was always pissed, and it was like he knew what he wanted, and if we’d put him in charge he’d know exactly how to get it, whereas Hitler got people clapping and yelling with his gleeful word pictures about building walls, making people wear armbands and killing the ones he didn’t like.

Their messages seemed basically the same to me: “The fat cats have been fucking the little guy, and we need somebody to come in, clean house and set stuff straight.” Stalin was gonna go after the big banks first, and after that he’d take control of everything because, unlike people who put their own money at risk and therefore need to make a profit, he could allocate their money according to his more kindly vision of how society should be, and to hell with the rich people and their goddamn profits … he’d make the corporations keep creating stuff and delivering services whether it made them any money or not. He never said how he was gonna do that, but he would be in command of the world’s largest stash of killing tools operated by the most sophisticated and extensive death delivery system ever deployed in the history of this planet and would also have the means to hack into anybody’s communications (except iPhones, damn!), so I guess he figured it was too obvious to need mentioning.

Hitler, on the other hand, was gonna start with killing the people he didn’t like overseas … shooting them and blowing them and their families up in their homes … and in this country he would deport the ones he didn’t think belonged here. People with darker skin, especially: He seemed to think they were inferior, although he never got into specifics about anything. He had a clownish way of stirring people up, but I thought his biggest advantage over Stalin was that his wife-or-whatever had nice, firm tits, and there were paparazzi pictures from a while back where you could clearly see her nipples, and they were stiff and perky like she was hot to trot, and it made you wonder if a guy as old as Hitler was able to keep up with that. Or was she just there for the money? Would she be naked when she entertained dignitaries in the White House? I could see a lot of guys pulling Hitler’s handle just for that possibility.

Both dudes said they wanted to kick some ass, but I’m more of a live-and-let-live kind of a guy. Earlier in my dream, the government was already doing the same kind of violent shit those guys were promoting more of, and I was looking for ways to keep their shit-fest as far away from my life as possible. I couldn’t see how having either Stalin or Hitler kicking asses would contribute to my goal; people don’t just bend over when you kick their ass, they kick back, and next thing you’ve got a big brouhaha which, if it goes far enough, could affect watching football or basketball or even drinking beer or getting stoned, and that’s serious, my friends, even in a dream.

The more I thought about it, the more I couldn’t bring myself to vote for either Stalin or Hitler, so I ended up voting for the other guy, even though he couldn’t possibly win. But then after I pulled the handle I had the amusing thought that most people might secretly be as disgusted as I was, and when they got into the privacy of a voting booth they’d pull the other guy’s handle too, which would cause him to win even though he wasn’t approved by the Authorities.

I never did find out what happened because I woke up and everything was back like it is. I can’t decide if that’s a good thing or a bad thing.

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